Goodness, gracious...this was a tough week.
I came down with a horrible case of what-about-me-itis, and things went really sour a couple of times. But, from the other side of the hurricane, I can honestly say I am wiser for it. After all, if you can't learn a lesson from all the messy mistakes you make, why make them?
So here's what I learned:
1. It's real hard to love like Jesus. This realization slapped me in the face. Then pulled my hair. Then pushed me down. Then threw mud at me. That's how hard it hit me! I can say I love CK all I want, but the minute I start putting me and my needs over him and his (especially in current circumstances), it all goes out the window.
2. But it's not impossible. It gets easier when I think about what He did for me, not what I'm not getting from CK. It gets easier when I shift my focus to pouring into CK like Jesus poured into those He loved. It gets easier when I ground myself in the Word, actively seeking to be reminded of how God loves me.
3. Love is a choice. I've heard this before, so it's not necessarily a revelation. Let's just say I re-learned it this week. My natural inclination is to protect myself, to be concerned over getting my needs met. I don't wake up wanting to value others above myself, but as a follower, I'm called to do just that (Philippians 2:3-4). I can let the call keep ringing, or send it straight to voicemail 'cause I just don't feel like dealing with it, or I can answer the call. And do it with a humble heart.
The list could go on, but it's getting late, so I'll leave it as a work-in-progress...just like me. :)
Lord, thank you for Your wisdom and for getting Your message through my thick head! Forgive me for being so stubbornly selfish, and please continue to teach me how to love like You.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Package #2
He got his Easter package...Yay!
It was two days late...Boo!
He loved the chocolate bunny...Yay!
The cookies were stale...Boo!
Anyway, here's the video! Enjoy!
It was two days late...Boo!
He loved the chocolate bunny...Yay!
The cookies were stale...Boo!
Anyway, here's the video! Enjoy!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Staying Connected
It's only been a couple of weeks (yikes!) but some days I really feel disconnected from CK, through no fault of his own, of course. In fact, he goes out of his way to make sure he tells me everyday how much he appreciates me and how important I am to him. But not being able to hug him, or smell him (is that weird to say??), or cuddle with him leaves me feeling lonely sometimes. I have great friends and family to keep me company, but it's just not the same.
On the days when the loneliness is really palpable, I pour myself into working on one of his care packages. It sounds silly, but putting lots of love and effort into decorating and filling those priority mail boxes comforts me because I know how much he'll enjoy it when it reaches him.
I decided to video the contents of these special packages to give others ideas. Hopefully those in my same position will find new ways to both brighten their Soldiers' days and comfort themselves during those lonely days apart.
Here's a link to this video on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGAC3yngGi4
Hope you enjoy! I'll share the video for his Easter package as soon as he gets it...I want him to be surprised!!
On the days when the loneliness is really palpable, I pour myself into working on one of his care packages. It sounds silly, but putting lots of love and effort into decorating and filling those priority mail boxes comforts me because I know how much he'll enjoy it when it reaches him.
I decided to video the contents of these special packages to give others ideas. Hopefully those in my same position will find new ways to both brighten their Soldiers' days and comfort themselves during those lonely days apart.
Here's a link to this video on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGAC3yngGi4
Hope you enjoy! I'll share the video for his Easter package as soon as he gets it...I want him to be surprised!!
Friday, March 22, 2013
The Kindness of Strangers
So goodbye number 4 (the final frontier) has come and gone. The four days we spent together were perfect, but saying goodbye a fourth time was devastating. I cried the whole time waiting for my first flight. I managed to suck it up while on the plane, but the next airport found me bawling in the bathroom. I dried my tears, but new ones kept falling as I slowly made my way to the proper terminal. By no strange coincidence, I passed by the chapel on the way to my connecting flight's gate. It was a small room with posters, religious books, candles, and a guest book. I didn't sign in. I sat down and cried some more. I let it all out, put my head in my hands, sobbed big heavy sobs, and just let myself be sad.
I soon dried my face and left the chapel to continue towards my gate. Though the tears were gone, my mood still wasn't anything pretty. I felt crabby and slighted. I stopped at a shop on the way to see if I could bribe myself into feeling better. Since I collect piggy banks from travels, I looked for one from this state. I found a cute one and then looked for something to nibble on. My stomach was empty and growling and probably contributing to my foul mood. While trying to choose a drink, a woman came up to me and started talking about the pig I had in my hands. She asked where I got it and how much it cost. We struck up some small chat, mostly about her two grand kids and how she wanted to surprise each of them with a piggy bank. She didn't start quoting Scripture or say anything profound enough to get me to stop being pissy, but suddenly I was. I'm not sure what it was about her that seemed to calm me. Maybe her sweet demeanor. Maybe her desire to do something nice for her little ones. Maybe just the fact that she dared to talk to me even though I was scowling like an Angry Bird. Whatever the reason, she came to me at just the perfect time, and her kindness blew away (at least temporarily) the heavy cloud hanging over my head.
The next few days continued to be tough, putting on smiles in public when I just wanted to stay home and be sad. I forced myself to be human and socialize, and it surprisingly turned out to be well worth it. I had a blast celebrating my 30th birthday with a great group of friends, but a piece of my heart still ached to be celebrating with CK. On my actual birthday, I went to a family dinner at my mom's. The idea was nice, but I was still hurting. She sent me to the store to pick up a few ingredients. My mood was much like the airport mood of a few days prior: foul and unapproachable. Yet during my checkout, the bagger went out of his way to smile at me, greet me, and ask me how my day was going. It was so simple, probably even a part of his job, but his genuinely positive attitude touched me. For just a few seconds, I forgot my own pain and enjoyed a moment of optimism. Everything was going to be OK.
I am convinced that those people were put in my path for a reason. Complete strangers brought me comfort in a moment when no friend's or family member's kind words were working, probably because I was stubbornly clinging to my own pain. Lord, I am so thankful that You can still find ways to reach me when I am closed off and focused on myself. Please help me remember Your promises and to cling instead to the hope that You offer. Please shift my focus, and use me to show others the light of Your love.
I soon dried my face and left the chapel to continue towards my gate. Though the tears were gone, my mood still wasn't anything pretty. I felt crabby and slighted. I stopped at a shop on the way to see if I could bribe myself into feeling better. Since I collect piggy banks from travels, I looked for one from this state. I found a cute one and then looked for something to nibble on. My stomach was empty and growling and probably contributing to my foul mood. While trying to choose a drink, a woman came up to me and started talking about the pig I had in my hands. She asked where I got it and how much it cost. We struck up some small chat, mostly about her two grand kids and how she wanted to surprise each of them with a piggy bank. She didn't start quoting Scripture or say anything profound enough to get me to stop being pissy, but suddenly I was. I'm not sure what it was about her that seemed to calm me. Maybe her sweet demeanor. Maybe her desire to do something nice for her little ones. Maybe just the fact that she dared to talk to me even though I was scowling like an Angry Bird. Whatever the reason, she came to me at just the perfect time, and her kindness blew away (at least temporarily) the heavy cloud hanging over my head.
The next few days continued to be tough, putting on smiles in public when I just wanted to stay home and be sad. I forced myself to be human and socialize, and it surprisingly turned out to be well worth it. I had a blast celebrating my 30th birthday with a great group of friends, but a piece of my heart still ached to be celebrating with CK. On my actual birthday, I went to a family dinner at my mom's. The idea was nice, but I was still hurting. She sent me to the store to pick up a few ingredients. My mood was much like the airport mood of a few days prior: foul and unapproachable. Yet during my checkout, the bagger went out of his way to smile at me, greet me, and ask me how my day was going. It was so simple, probably even a part of his job, but his genuinely positive attitude touched me. For just a few seconds, I forgot my own pain and enjoyed a moment of optimism. Everything was going to be OK.
I am convinced that those people were put in my path for a reason. Complete strangers brought me comfort in a moment when no friend's or family member's kind words were working, probably because I was stubbornly clinging to my own pain. Lord, I am so thankful that You can still find ways to reach me when I am closed off and focused on myself. Please help me remember Your promises and to cling instead to the hope that You offer. Please shift my focus, and use me to show others the light of Your love.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Goodbye #3
Last night, I tossed and turned barely getting any sleep. It had finally hit me. CK is going to miss so much this year. Crawfish boils. Tornado warnings. Summer fun. His daughters's 9th birthday. Back to school. Pumpkin muffins. Several holidays. Countless special moments. I don't want to do life without him.
Yesterday was a tough day in general. CK spent the last few days at home on a much anticipated leave. Though it was short, it was so nice to have him here again. But just as soon as we hugged hello, we were saying goodbye again. We (Baby CK and I) drove him back yesterday. It was a fun trip with an impromptu hike at a park along the way. We even got a tour of the base and one last meal together in the dining hall.
This goodbye was the hardest one so far. Maybe it was because Baby CK was with us this time. Maybe it was because this might be the last hug for a good long while. Maybe it just finally hit him like it him me last night. CK is definitely not one for crying (I cry enough for the both of us!) but I could see the emotion of the moment beginning to overwhelm him. I don't think I'll ever forget his special words or how tightly he hugged me that night.
Despite the sadness I'm wallowing in right now (I promise I'll be smiley again tomorrow), I'm still holding strong to what I know is coming. "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you" (1 Peter 5:10, ESV). Alright, Lord. I'm ready.
Yesterday was a tough day in general. CK spent the last few days at home on a much anticipated leave. Though it was short, it was so nice to have him here again. But just as soon as we hugged hello, we were saying goodbye again. We (Baby CK and I) drove him back yesterday. It was a fun trip with an impromptu hike at a park along the way. We even got a tour of the base and one last meal together in the dining hall.
This goodbye was the hardest one so far. Maybe it was because Baby CK was with us this time. Maybe it was because this might be the last hug for a good long while. Maybe it just finally hit him like it him me last night. CK is definitely not one for crying (I cry enough for the both of us!) but I could see the emotion of the moment beginning to overwhelm him. I don't think I'll ever forget his special words or how tightly he hugged me that night.
Despite the sadness I'm wallowing in right now (I promise I'll be smiley again tomorrow), I'm still holding strong to what I know is coming. "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you" (1 Peter 5:10, ESV). Alright, Lord. I'm ready.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Good times...
I’m super exhausted, but it’s the good kind of tired. The kind from having a busy weekend spending time with your loved ones. Good times…
Saturday I had an impromptu lunch with my mom and brother at Chipotle. Then my mom and I spent some much needed time together shopping, making Valentine’s cake balls for CK’s team, and watching a “Say Yes to the Dress” marathon on Netflix. Love girl time with my momma!
I woke up early on Sunday (despite a heinous storm keeping me up on Saturday night) to make the long drive to see CK. (He hasn’t left the country yet, so we still get opportunities to see each other.) I’d been bugging him about giving Valentines to his team. At first, he hated the idea but he finally caved with the caveat that I make them all some cake balls, too. (He loves to brag on me and my silly hobbies.) I packaged them up in favor boxes with hearts on the side and red tissue shred on the inside. Super cute, but I forgot to take pictures…sorry!
I had a LOVELY time getting to see CK and meeting his team. We enjoyed a nice lunch on base and got a few games of bowling in, too. I gave him his Valentine’s gift and showed him what he had bought me. (It came in the mail on Saturday, but I wasn’t supposed to open it…oops.) It’s a precious book called Me Without You that describes what his life without me would be like. It’s small enough to carry in my purse and read whenever I’m missing him. My favorite part is the end. Don’t worry—I won’t spoil it. You’ll have to get your own copy to learn how it turns out.
Our time ended with a distribution of the cake balls and Batman valentines to a very appreciative (and hungry!) team of Soldiers. Then CK walked me to my car, wiped away my tears, and sent me on my way.
I don’t think saying goodbye will ever get any easier, but I’m thankful for the few hours we spent together. On our first drive down, he asked me if we could continue to laugh with each other during our time apart. I told him yes and we have, but there’s something really special about laughing and giggling in the arms of the one you love. This is one lucky girl.
Saturday I had an impromptu lunch with my mom and brother at Chipotle. Then my mom and I spent some much needed time together shopping, making Valentine’s cake balls for CK’s team, and watching a “Say Yes to the Dress” marathon on Netflix. Love girl time with my momma!
I woke up early on Sunday (despite a heinous storm keeping me up on Saturday night) to make the long drive to see CK. (He hasn’t left the country yet, so we still get opportunities to see each other.) I’d been bugging him about giving Valentines to his team. At first, he hated the idea but he finally caved with the caveat that I make them all some cake balls, too. (He loves to brag on me and my silly hobbies.) I packaged them up in favor boxes with hearts on the side and red tissue shred on the inside. Super cute, but I forgot to take pictures…sorry!
I had a LOVELY time getting to see CK and meeting his team. We enjoyed a nice lunch on base and got a few games of bowling in, too. I gave him his Valentine’s gift and showed him what he had bought me. (It came in the mail on Saturday, but I wasn’t supposed to open it…oops.) It’s a precious book called Me Without You that describes what his life without me would be like. It’s small enough to carry in my purse and read whenever I’m missing him. My favorite part is the end. Don’t worry—I won’t spoil it. You’ll have to get your own copy to learn how it turns out.
Our time ended with a distribution of the cake balls and Batman valentines to a very appreciative (and hungry!) team of Soldiers. Then CK walked me to my car, wiped away my tears, and sent me on my way.
I don’t think saying goodbye will ever get any easier, but I’m thankful for the few hours we spent together. On our first drive down, he asked me if we could continue to laugh with each other during our time apart. I told him yes and we have, but there’s something really special about laughing and giggling in the arms of the one you love. This is one lucky girl.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Ugly Day 1
Ugh. I don't like writing this, but I want this blog to be a completely accurate account of this year, so here goes. Today was an off day. It's probably yesterday's fault. We were so in sync yesterday. Thinking about the same things. Missing each other at the same times. Absolutely cheesy, but completely perfect, too.
Then today happened. Today I didn't hear from him until late in the morning. Today he was distracted by a bunch of things going wrong. Today I felt the need to be moody. Today I went all Oscar the Grouch on him for no good reason.
We talked it out and everything is, of course, fine but I still hate that today went like it did. Not because I didn't get what I wanted from him, but because I was more concerned with my need for attention than with his need for support and encouragment. Boo on me.
I knew from the beginning that I was going to need patience and understanding like I had never needed them before. I knew I would have to be super-supportive so he could focus on his work and his fellow Soldiers. I knew that this year was really going to test if I could set aside my insecurities and selfish desires for someone else's needs. I just didn't realize how quickly I'd falter.
If I'm really honest with myself, which I don't often like to be, I can concede that a small part of me has the tendency to be extremely wrapped up in myself. This self-absorbed piece of me wants nothing more than to be adored and admired and loved on--all day, every day. Most of the time, I can keep her quiet and not think twice about her. However, every once in a while, she becomes a hungry beast and there is no satiating her until she is drowning in affirmation. Ugh. That visual makes me sick.
Anyway, "the beast" reared her ugly head today, demanding that CK eagerly hand over his time, energy, and complete affection. And when she didn't get her way, she growled at him. And cried a little. But mostly growled. Thankfully, he is a patient guy and talked the beast into submission. Yet again. Praise God for sending me a patient man.
Through it all, I'm humbly reminded that this relationship will not work, whether together or separated by miles of land and water, if the beast is allowed to do as she pleases. When I focus on myself, it always becomes a matter of what I'm not getting enough of, whether that's affirmation, attention, or affection. The void, whether real or imagined, is the focus. The tried and true remedy to this is fixing my heart where it rightfully belongs: on Christ.
When I'm focusing on Christ, all I want to do is pour into others. When I'm seeking Him all day long, my woes and worries become prayers and praise. When God becomes the recipient of my complete devotion, I am equipped and strengthened to love and serve in ways I hadn't thought possible. So appealing. So easy. Yet it's a constant battle to keep my eyes to the sky.
So while this is the first of our ugly days this year, I know it won't be our last. Nevertheless, I'm going to keep praying for a renewed focus on the One who can carry me through it all.
Then today happened. Today I didn't hear from him until late in the morning. Today he was distracted by a bunch of things going wrong. Today I felt the need to be moody. Today I went all Oscar the Grouch on him for no good reason.
We talked it out and everything is, of course, fine but I still hate that today went like it did. Not because I didn't get what I wanted from him, but because I was more concerned with my need for attention than with his need for support and encouragment. Boo on me.
I knew from the beginning that I was going to need patience and understanding like I had never needed them before. I knew I would have to be super-supportive so he could focus on his work and his fellow Soldiers. I knew that this year was really going to test if I could set aside my insecurities and selfish desires for someone else's needs. I just didn't realize how quickly I'd falter.
If I'm really honest with myself, which I don't often like to be, I can concede that a small part of me has the tendency to be extremely wrapped up in myself. This self-absorbed piece of me wants nothing more than to be adored and admired and loved on--all day, every day. Most of the time, I can keep her quiet and not think twice about her. However, every once in a while, she becomes a hungry beast and there is no satiating her until she is drowning in affirmation. Ugh. That visual makes me sick.
Anyway, "the beast" reared her ugly head today, demanding that CK eagerly hand over his time, energy, and complete affection. And when she didn't get her way, she growled at him. And cried a little. But mostly growled. Thankfully, he is a patient guy and talked the beast into submission. Yet again. Praise God for sending me a patient man.
Through it all, I'm humbly reminded that this relationship will not work, whether together or separated by miles of land and water, if the beast is allowed to do as she pleases. When I focus on myself, it always becomes a matter of what I'm not getting enough of, whether that's affirmation, attention, or affection. The void, whether real or imagined, is the focus. The tried and true remedy to this is fixing my heart where it rightfully belongs: on Christ.
When I'm focusing on Christ, all I want to do is pour into others. When I'm seeking Him all day long, my woes and worries become prayers and praise. When God becomes the recipient of my complete devotion, I am equipped and strengthened to love and serve in ways I hadn't thought possible. So appealing. So easy. Yet it's a constant battle to keep my eyes to the sky.
So while this is the first of our ugly days this year, I know it won't be our last. Nevertheless, I'm going to keep praying for a renewed focus on the One who can carry me through it all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)