Ugly Day 1

Ugh. I don't like writing this, but I want this blog to be a completely accurate account of this year, so here goes. Today was an off day. It's probably yesterday's fault. We were so in sync yesterday. Thinking about the same things. Missing each other at the same times. Absolutely cheesy, but completely perfect, too.

Then today happened. Today I didn't hear from him until late in the morning. Today he was distracted by a bunch of things going wrong. Today I felt the need to be moody. Today I went all Oscar the Grouch on him for no good reason.

We talked it out and everything is, of course, fine but I still hate that today went like it did. Not because I didn't get what I wanted from him, but because I was more concerned with my need for attention than with his need for support and encouragment. Boo on me.

I knew from the beginning that I was going to need patience and understanding like I had never needed them before. I knew I would have to be super-supportive so he could focus on his work and his fellow Soldiers. I knew that this year was really going to test if I could set aside my insecurities and selfish desires for someone else's needs. I just didn't realize how quickly I'd falter.

If I'm really honest with myself, which I don't often like to be, I can concede that a small part of me has the tendency to be extremely wrapped up in myself. This self-absorbed piece of me wants nothing more than to be adored and admired and loved on--all day, every day. Most of the time, I can keep her quiet and not think twice about her. However, every once in a while, she becomes a hungry beast and there is no satiating her until she is drowning in affirmation. Ugh. That visual makes me sick.

Anyway, "the beast" reared her ugly head today, demanding that CK eagerly hand over his time, energy, and complete affection. And when she didn't get her way, she growled at him. And cried a little. But mostly growled. Thankfully, he is a patient guy and talked the beast into submission. Yet again. Praise God for sending me a patient man.

Through it all, I'm humbly reminded that this relationship will not work, whether together or separated by miles of land and water, if the beast is allowed to do as she pleases. When I focus on myself, it always becomes a matter of what I'm not getting enough of, whether that's affirmation, attention, or affection. The void, whether real or imagined, is the focus. The tried and true remedy to this is fixing my heart where it rightfully belongs: on Christ.

When I'm focusing on Christ, all I want to do is pour into others. When I'm seeking Him all day long, my woes and worries become prayers and praise. When God becomes the recipient of my complete devotion, I am equipped and strengthened to love and serve in ways I hadn't thought possible. So appealing. So easy. Yet it's a constant battle to keep my eyes to the sky.

So while this is the first of our ugly days this year, I know it won't be our last. Nevertheless, I'm going to keep praying for a renewed focus on the One who can carry me through it all.