Goodbye #3

Last night, I tossed and turned barely getting any sleep. It had finally hit me. CK is going to miss so much this year. Crawfish boils. Tornado warnings. Summer fun. His daughters's 9th birthday. Back to school. Pumpkin muffins. Several holidays. Countless special moments. I don't want to do life without him.

Yesterday was a tough day in general. CK spent the last few days at home on a much anticipated leave. Though it was short, it was so nice to have him here again. But just as soon as we hugged hello, we were saying goodbye again. We (Baby CK and I) drove him back yesterday. It was a fun trip with an impromptu hike at a park along the way. We even got a tour of the base and one last meal together in the dining hall.

This goodbye was the hardest one so far. Maybe it was because Baby CK was with us this time. Maybe it was because this might be the last hug for a good long while. Maybe it just finally hit him like it him me last night. CK is definitely not one for crying (I cry enough for the both of us!) but I could see the emotion of the moment beginning to overwhelm him. I don't think I'll ever forget his special words or how tightly he hugged me that night.

Despite the sadness I'm wallowing in right now (I promise I'll be smiley again tomorrow), I'm still holding strong to what I know is coming. "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you" (1 Peter 5:10, ESV). Alright, Lord. I'm ready.

Good times...

I’m super exhausted, but it’s the good kind of tired. The kind from having a busy weekend spending time with your loved ones. Good times…

Saturday I had an impromptu lunch with my mom and brother at Chipotle. Then my mom and I spent some much needed time together shopping, making Valentine’s cake balls for CK’s team, and watching a “Say Yes to the Dress” marathon on Netflix. Love girl time with my momma!

I woke up early on Sunday (despite a heinous storm keeping me up on Saturday night) to make the long drive to see CK. (He hasn’t left the country yet, so we still get opportunities to see each other.) I’d been bugging him about giving Valentines to his team. At first, he hated the idea but he finally caved with the caveat that I make them all some cake balls, too. (He loves to brag on me and my silly hobbies.) I packaged them up in favor boxes with hearts on the side and red tissue shred on the inside. Super cute, but I forgot to take pictures…sorry!

I had a LOVELY time getting to see CK and meeting his team. We enjoyed a nice lunch on base and got a few games of bowling in, too. I gave him his Valentine’s gift and showed him what he had bought me. (It came in the mail on Saturday, but I wasn’t supposed to open it…oops.) It’s a precious book called Me Without You that describes what his life without me would be like. It’s small enough to carry in my purse and read whenever I’m missing him. My favorite part is the end. Don’t worry—I won’t spoil it. You’ll have to get your own copy to learn how it turns out.

Our time ended with a distribution of the cake balls and Batman valentines to a very appreciative (and hungry!) team of Soldiers. Then CK walked me to my car, wiped away my tears, and sent me on my way.

I don’t think saying goodbye will ever get any easier, but I’m thankful for the few hours we spent together. On our first drive down, he asked me if we could continue to laugh with each other during our time apart. I told him yes and we have, but there’s something really special about laughing and giggling in the arms of the one you love. This is one lucky girl.

Ugly Day 1

Ugh. I don't like writing this, but I want this blog to be a completely accurate account of this year, so here goes. Today was an off day. It's probably yesterday's fault. We were so in sync yesterday. Thinking about the same things. Missing each other at the same times. Absolutely cheesy, but completely perfect, too.

Then today happened. Today I didn't hear from him until late in the morning. Today he was distracted by a bunch of things going wrong. Today I felt the need to be moody. Today I went all Oscar the Grouch on him for no good reason.

We talked it out and everything is, of course, fine but I still hate that today went like it did. Not because I didn't get what I wanted from him, but because I was more concerned with my need for attention than with his need for support and encouragment. Boo on me.

I knew from the beginning that I was going to need patience and understanding like I had never needed them before. I knew I would have to be super-supportive so he could focus on his work and his fellow Soldiers. I knew that this year was really going to test if I could set aside my insecurities and selfish desires for someone else's needs. I just didn't realize how quickly I'd falter.

If I'm really honest with myself, which I don't often like to be, I can concede that a small part of me has the tendency to be extremely wrapped up in myself. This self-absorbed piece of me wants nothing more than to be adored and admired and loved on--all day, every day. Most of the time, I can keep her quiet and not think twice about her. However, every once in a while, she becomes a hungry beast and there is no satiating her until she is drowning in affirmation. Ugh. That visual makes me sick.

Anyway, "the beast" reared her ugly head today, demanding that CK eagerly hand over his time, energy, and complete affection. And when she didn't get her way, she growled at him. And cried a little. But mostly growled. Thankfully, he is a patient guy and talked the beast into submission. Yet again. Praise God for sending me a patient man.

Through it all, I'm humbly reminded that this relationship will not work, whether together or separated by miles of land and water, if the beast is allowed to do as she pleases. When I focus on myself, it always becomes a matter of what I'm not getting enough of, whether that's affirmation, attention, or affection. The void, whether real or imagined, is the focus. The tried and true remedy to this is fixing my heart where it rightfully belongs: on Christ.

When I'm focusing on Christ, all I want to do is pour into others. When I'm seeking Him all day long, my woes and worries become prayers and praise. When God becomes the recipient of my complete devotion, I am equipped and strengthened to love and serve in ways I hadn't thought possible. So appealing. So easy. Yet it's a constant battle to keep my eyes to the sky.

So while this is the first of our ugly days this year, I know it won't be our last. Nevertheless, I'm going to keep praying for a renewed focus on the One who can carry me through it all.

I'm inspired!

Welcome to my newest blog! I promise to be much more committed to this one than my crafting blog. The reason behind this blog is simple. My main squeeze just deployed and I'm missing him big time. Luckily, I have family, friends, and faith in a loving God to get me through this lonely year. I'm documenting the smiles and trials of this next year to give hope to those in the same situation.

It's Day 3 of our time apart. I'm sad, but not down. I'm missing him, but I'm still ok. Actually, I'm more than ok. I am inspired! Inspired to connect with CK on a whole new level of romance, appreciation, and support. Inspired to invest more time, energy, and effort in my family and friendships. Inspired to reignite my passion for the Lord and share the exciting ways He is working in my life.

I hope you will stick by me during this tricky time. I'm sure there are good things to come...